Hope

I've had alot of people ask me if my situation makes me sad, or mad. The answer is OF COURSE! I think there would be something wrong with me if it didn't! The next question is how do I keep smiling? Well, let me tell you a story: Back in January I was lying in my hospital bed. I was alone (which thankfully is rare!) I began to feel sorry for myself. Why do all those other moms get to spend their days taking care of their family? Why am I having this trial? Is this punishment for something I've done? I was also terrified. At the time I had kidney failure, heart failure, liver failure and an infected Gall Bladder. There were so many meds going into me I'm surprised there was room for blood! I was terrified that somebody else would have to raise my kids. That I would never be able to buy a house and make it a home. About that time I was feeling very bitter and scared and of course I was going through a box of tissues. Then something told me to look up. What I saw was a beautiful picture of the savior that a sweet friend had hung on my wall. It was a picture I had never seen before. It was just a picture of his face. His head was pointed down and he had tears rolling down his cheeks. Just then I had a strong thought come to me. It said "It breaks Heavenly Father's heart to see you go through this. He would like nothing more than to heal me and let me be on my way. But he knows why I have to go through this. He knows that my life will be better for this excperience. And so he stands aside, and comforts me when I am in need of comfort. He prompts me with what decisions to make next, and I know that his angels encircle me and my family". The second thought that I had was more of an image. It was of Christ in the garden of gethsemane. He was kneeling down praying to his father. He said "Father let this cup pass from me. Never the less not my will but thine be done." (sorry if it's not a perfect quote!)That was the first time I realized that Jesus was terrified. If the most perfect man to ever walk the earth could be scared in the face of his trial, then I guess it's ok for me to be scared. Of course his trial was immensly larger than mine, but so was his purpose. I felt relieved that I had permission to ocassionly feel scared. As long as I put my faith in God and trusted in his plan, then everything would somehow be ok. My tears then turned to tears of thanks and hope.