Dreams

Conner is running into the street to get his ball. I see a car coming. I try to yell out to him, but no sound comes from my mouth.
There is an earthquake and I'm trying to get my kids to safety but my legs keep collapsing beneath me.
I am at a carnival and I can't find either of my kids. I am running around yelling for them, but nobody even pays attention.
Brayden is hurt. When I try to pick him up to comfort him, my arms go limp and he falls to the ground.

Every night I have numerous dreams just like these. I wake up feeling frantic, wanting to run to them and make sure they are ok. But then I remember where I am. and where they are. Then I know, the nightmare is real.
The other day I was having a real hard time. I had just missed Braydens birthday party, their first swim lessons, and their first boat ride. The permanent crack in my heart was aching. I couldn't stop crying. So of course, they sent in my therapist! She's actually a very nice lady and good to talk to, so I didn't mind. I began telling her about my dreams. She asked me what I thought they meant. I had never even imagined that they meant anything! I thought they were just my minds way of tourturing me day and night! Then I really thought about it. I told her that I thought these dreams represent how I see myself as a mother now. I want so badly to be there for my kids, to take care of them and love them. But I am so scared that I never will be able too. My body keeps holding me back. I'm scared because I don't know what the futre holds. I don't know what to expect. Will I even be close to the kind of mom I was? or will I be changed permanently? To that my therapist replied that of course I will never be the same.
I will be better.
To steal a quote from one of my new hero's, Stephanie Nielson
"I am Janette Andersen. I am NOT my body"