Well, I've been trying to find something good that came out of the last two months so that I don't drive myself crazy! So far the only thing I've come up with is the extra chemo and radiation that I recived after the 1st transplant failed. I wonder if I had some leukemic cells left that were hiding out and without the extra treatment maybe my Leukemia would have come back in a few years. If 2 months was the price I had to pay to stay in remission for the rest of my life then I suppose it was worth it. Of course I have no way of knowing if that was the case, but that's what I'm going to tell myself so that I can feel better about things.
Yesterday the massage therapist came in. I swear that guy has a crystal ball! As he was massaging my back he asks "you've been worrying about your kids haven't you?" I of course asked how he knew. He said that when we are stressed we tense different muscles depending on what we are worrying about. He said that the financial stress muscle felt fine. (No point in worrying about something I can't control!) The muscle where we worry about ourselves felt ok. But the muscle where we worry about others was in knots!! About 10 minutes later he says "have you had trouble taking deep breaths?" Oh my goodness. Just the other night I woke from my sleep because I felt like I couldn't breath! Every time I tried to take a deep breath it felt like my lungs were going to collapse! Apparently I love freaking out the nurses in the middle of the night :) It was pretty fun that he was able to tell me the past, but man I wish you could see the future through a massage!! The point of this story is that in the middle of his fortune telling he told me a story he recently heard to make me feel better. He said that there is a cancer research scientist that just lost 10 years of his research because someone forgot to plug in a fridge....WOW! Ok, I lost 2 months, he lost 10 years. I suppose he won!
Marc got here last night to spend the next few days with me. We were both feeling depressed and miserable about our situation. I was trying to figure out how to cheer us up when a quote that my grandma used to have hanging in her kitchen came to my mind. It read "you can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future". That really hit me. I will never get those 2 months of my life back, no matter how upset I am about it. I can't even change my current situation. All I can do is make today the best it can be and hope that the future holds better news and happier days.
Janette I stumbled across this blog as I was looking for information on my fathers stem cell transplant, he is 5 months out of his transplant but does not have his donors blood type as of now and still needs transfusions which is putting to much iron in his blood, I've been praying for him and I can relate to your worry and fears. Im so sorry you are dealing with these same burdens but I'm going to praying for you with my father. I pray God wil protect your health for your kids and family! That each journey you encounter during this process leads to your cure. Trust in him all things are possible. I'm praying for these miracles so stay strong and give your fears to God.
ReplyDeleteKait
Oh Sweet Girl! You found the Silver Lining!:) I knew you would!!;) And you're right on! As I write you, I'm listening to Pandora and Carrie Underwood's song Play On is playing. And I think it's a great fit for a dedication to you! Play On, dear sister! Play On! Love you! Thank you for your inspiration and courage!!
ReplyDeleteZac and I were just reading your update and I started to cry. My heart is aching for you and your family. I often wonder what Zac and I would do if we were in the same situation. I honestly can't even imagine because it is so hard! You are so strong sis. Really. You have so much to fight for and it is so inspiring. I love when you write because you often are saying what is hard for you at the time but you say it in a positive way, almost like it is a good thing. It is very humbling. I also wanted to thank you for that quote. I feel that it was intended for me. My problems are all so minor and I seem to dwell on them forever inset.ad of fixing it or working on it. I just want you to know that we don't post a lot but that doesn't mean we aren't always asking about you and following everything everyone posts. We love you so much! Never forget it!
ReplyDeleteLollie