Bad batch of cells

We got alot of information from the doctor today, so I am going to try to give an accurate update! After the first transplant failed the doctors were really trying to figure out if it was me, or the donor cells. Aparently the donor centers have so many safety controls in place that they have never before recieved a bad batch of cells. But they decided to go ahead and send some of my donor cells in for testing. In the mean time they decided to go ahead and transplant the cells into me and see if anything happened. Well, just last weeks they got the resuls back from my donor cells showing that the cells were basically dead. They infused me with dead cells. Yes, upon learing this I nearly had a tantrum that would rival all three year olds! I have just waisted two months of my life for nothing. lovely. So, back to my recent labs. We did see a small spike in my cells count, but it has gone back down again. The doctors suspect that there were a couple of living cells that tried to do their thing, but failed. The good news here is that the problem lies with the donor cells, and not with me. So the plan is to do another bone marrow biopsy tomorrow (number 6....) So that they can see how many cells are in my bone marrow and if they are donor cells or mine. That way they can know weather I will need more chemo to clear out my bone marrow before the next transplant. Every time I think I'm done with chemo, they come at me again! The date the donor center is giving them for the next donor cells to be here is July 23. My doctor is hoping we can get them a little earlier, but the donor is going through a health screaning this week and it takes a week to get the results back. So it is pretty hard to speed up the process. In the mean time I will sit here in limbo, trying not to get an infection. Apparently the nurses are baffled by me. They said they have never seen someone be neutropenic this long without an infection, or needing TPN(Nutrition through their port) They all agree that my good health this far is a miracle. I know that it is the faith and prayers of all of you. Thank you so much for that. It is making all the difference.

Over the past nine months I have been through some of the worst physical pain of my life (and I've had 2 c-sections) but by far the hardest part is the emotional pain. When I decided to do a transplant I thought I was giving myself a better chance of survival. I never even considered that I wouldn't graft because the chance of that happening was almost non-exhistent. And now I sit here and wonder if my decision to wipe out my bone marrow is going to kill me. When I made the decision to do transplant I felt in my heart that it was the right thing to do, and I still do, but the big elephant called death is still a frequent visitor to my room. Also, my heart breaks for my children. Brayden and I used to be best friends. We were always snuggling, and we just knew and understood each other. We were never apart and thats the way we liked it. But now when he visits he is distant. I know he still loves me, and he misses me, but it is different now. I want so badly for things to be the way they were, and maybe one day they will come close. But for now I am trying to mourn my old life. I think that's important to do before I can accept what my life is now, and will be in the future. Conner also is having a difficult time. When he visits he wraps his arms around my neck and says he doesn't want to leave. When he gets sad about me he always asks to snuggle grandma, but he refuses to talk about me. The most he will admit to is that he is sad about me, but then he changes the subject. I'm scarred that he is holding too much in. Trying to be too brave. I wish I knew how to help him. I can't even reasure him, or make promises of things to look forward to. I try to talk about "when mom comes home" but I never dare estimate when that will be. I just pray that when this is over my family will be closer because of it. Poor Marc is trying to study for the law and naplex exams to get liscenced in Utah. He is also trying to find a job, be mom and dad, and be strong for me. He is my hero! I know that if we can get through this together that nothing will tear us apart. I am so grateful for his strength.