Praying for hope

I think I may need to see a therapist. I've realized that I am terrified to hope.  Things are changing and I am scarred. Thanks to some good friends we will be moving into our own house. Just us four. Marc and the boys are excited. I am too, but I just can't get over this fear. I want to freeze time until the doctors tell me I'm all better and give me permission to move on with life. But I've realized that it doesn't matter how scarred I am, how sick I feel, or how tired I am. Life goes on. There will always be meals to cook, bedtime stories to read, and laundry to do.  I guess I don't have much choice in the matter. Partly I'm feeling discouraged because at my last appointment all my numbers had gone down. The doctor says that it's completely normal, and it will go up then down for a while. But I definately didn't want to see that. The other part that scarres me is my aspergillus (fungal pnemonia) I don't feel like it's getting any better. I'm coughing all the time and by the end of the day my lungs feel so tired. They are doing a CT scan on Monday to see if it's gotten better or worse. If it's worse there is only one other medication to treat it, but it only comes in IV form. Which means I would most likely have to be in the hospital to get it. The treatment lasts 3-6 months. There is no way I am going back there for that long!! I would appreciate some prayers if you all wouldn't mind. I am definately praying for another miracle.

While I was at my last appointment in the lab to get my weekly blood tests I noticed the lady in the chair next to me looked very sad and nervous. She had a full head of hair and was getting her blood taken through an IV instead of a line. So I knew she hadn't gone through chemo yet. In my efforts to get her talking I asked if she was preparing for a transplant (obviously she was since it was the BMT lab, but I still hate to assume). She looked at me, hesitated, then looked down and quietly said "um, yeah." I got the hint that she didn't want to talk about it. But it got me thinking. The reason Leukemia is so scary is because you never hear about the survivors. I don't blame them, obviously, just like this woman she just wanted to get it over with and never think about it again. Maybe they think that if they pretend it didn't happen then the pain will go away. I remember growing up that whenever I heard anything about Leukemia I had a feeling of foreboding. I didn't know why, but I instinctevely stayed as far away from it as I could. I didn't want to learn about it, I didn't want to hear about it. I guess I thought that somehow, caring would somehow give me the disease. I was wrong. Just because you ignore something doesn't make it go away. Infact, I feel like leukemia and all cancer survivors went through that specific challenge for a reason, and if they don't figure out that reason and learn as much as they can from it, then it's kindof like they suffered for nothing. If I have to go through this and fight this hard, then gosh dangit something good is going to come from it! Even if it's just hope for future patients.  I suppose that to give hope I need to have it myself. So that's where I will start. I need to shift my thinking from just getting through today, to what are the plans for next month? And next year?  So here I go! Jumping back into life with both feet.  Wish me luck!