Day +4

Today is day +4 of my third transplant. So far things have been going alot differently than the first 2 which we are taking as a good sign! First of all, the day after the transplant my white cells went up to .3 which is the highest they've been since April! They are on a decline now which is what they should do before they start to go up again, but that tells me that at least these cells are alive! Another difference is the immense pain! From my hip bones to my feet it feels like someone dumped acid into my bones (I guess that's not to far from the truth though, right?) They have been trying to manage my pain but nothing they gives me takes it away. It makes the pain tolerable for about an hour, but then it shoots back up again. They now have me on a pain pump where I can push a button every 15 min and get a dose of Dilaudid (which is about 6 times stronger than Morphine) So at least now I don't have to wait for a nurse to get me meds! The other hard part about this time is the extreme fatigue! To illustrate my point my mom say's that I have to share my brownie story with everyone. At about this same time of my second transplant my mom was staying at the hospital with me. She had made some of my favorite homemade caramel brownies! I was reclined in bed watching TV when she asked if I would like one. I said of course I would love one! So she brings it over to me and I take my first bite. I began to chew when suddenly my head falls back and I'm asleep! My mom woke me up and asked if I wanted to finish my brownie. I said I did and took another bite. When I started to chew...waaam...I was asleep again! Well this went on about 5 times before she finally decided she would slide it out of my hand so I could sleep without making a mess! Just as she touched the brownie my eye's flew open and I grabbed her hand yelling "I'm not done! I promise I won't fall asleep again!!" I was then able to finish the brownie and have a good long nap :)
The best news I have gotten today was from my doctor. Throughout this whole process he has never given me a compliment, only warnings to not get an infection! Today he was telling me that there will be a new doctor rounding for the next few weeks and that he would be sure to brief him on my situation and let him know that especially after all that I have been through I am doing extremely well! ya!! That meant alot coming from him!

3rd transplant!

My third transplant is in! It is going to be a tense few weeks while I wait to graft!

A Hero

Tonight I want to say goodbye to a hero. You won't hear about him on the news. Although he deserves to be paid tribute. His battle was against Leukemia. Ryan was a 32 year old father, son, brother and friend. He fought so bravely for so long. His battle ended tonight. His body was so strong for so long, but he was mortal and could only take so much. On his last day his lungs were full of infection, there was a hole in his heart, his liver was all but dead, his vertebrae was broken and his brain was full of infection. And still he held on. Only after his mother told him that it was ok to let go did he finally close his eyes and was released from this earthly life. He is no longer in pain. He is now surrounded by our Heavenly Fathers love.
It isn't fair. Cancer claims so many lives. I promised Ryans mother that I will honor him by never giving up. There is a saying on numerous plaques here at Huntsman. It reads:
Cancer is so limited
It cannot criple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy people
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit

Cancer may take the mortal lives of many, but thats where it's power ends.

Filtered Lenses

What if we each see the world through filtered lenses?
Lenses of our own design made to keep out what we think will hurt us?
We come into this world without a filter. But quickly we learn what we want to except as reality, and what we will pretend doesn't exhist.
We think these lenses will protect us.
But what if they are keeping us from experiencing real joy, happiness and love?
Each trial that we go through puts a crack in our lens. 
Every sorry, disappointment, and heartbreak reveals something we had hoped to block out.  Then we are forced to feel. To REALLY feel. 
Seeing the sorrow lets us appreciate the joy. Seeing sickness helps us appreciate health. Loneliness shows us how precious friends and family are.
At some point we will each have to pass through a trial of such magnitude that we will either cling to our lenses, or let them burn in the fire. 
Only then can we see people for who they really are. Children of God. And only then can we stop clinging to this life, because we see eternity. 

Time Home

My time home was wonderful! I still think the doctors were a little crazy for letting me go. Here they would only let me see my kids if I had a mask on. Then they sent me home where I could snuggle with them all night if I wanted! Whatever their reason, I'm glad they did it. I was obviously being watch over because even with all the precautions we took it is a miracle that I didn't get an infection.
One of the best things about going home was that I was reasurred that my boys still love me. In the hospital I kept worrying that they would forget about me, or not need me anymore. Boy was I wrong! Those sweet boys cuddled and talked to me all week! Even though mom was borring they were still glad I was there. I got to see some of the things that I have missed out on the past 2 months. Some of the highlights were.

Conner (5)
-Learned to swim in the deap end of the pool!
-Learned to whistle! He can mimic any tune he hears!
-Can ride his bike without training wheels like a pro!

Brayden(4)
-can go down the big water slide all by himself!
-Almost completely potty trained! (finally!)
-can dress and undress himself with no help.

They seem so much older than they were in April! I know it's crazy but I feel like they have learned and grown so much. I felt bad leaving them this morning. They were in a terrible condition! Last night Conner got 5 wasp stings!(I have never heard someone scream so loud in my life). Then they helped grandpa weed and apparently they had a bad reaction to the weeds because when they woke up this morning they both had bright red faces with blisters! I know it wasn't a sun burn because it was at 7pm and they were on the shady side of the house. Poor boys!
Well, I've gotten settled into my new room here. They are starting my first dose of chemo in 1 hour. I can hardly stand the thought of poisoning myself again. It is really hard mentally to let that happen, but I know how that I need it. I can't believe that in just 3 weeks I could have my own bone marrow again! I really feel like it's going to work this time and that I will be ok. I still feel at peace. I pray that I can hold onto that!

Doctors appointment update

I went to a doctors appointment today. They had to do another health workup for my next transpant. So we had to do blood tests (15 vials! for someone who isn't making blood, that's a lot!) We did an echo cardiogram, and a pulminary function test. Then we met with our doctor. I'm glad it was my doctor this time and not just the doctor on call. The doctor on call is the one who told me my leukemia was back and he said it like he was giving a weather report of thundershowers. My doctor is actually quit nice and has a sense of humor. I asked him how it was possible that after reciving so much chemo that it almost killed me, THEN wiping out my bone marrow and doing total body radiation, how did the leukemia come back so quickly? He said that Leukemia is the most aggresive, elusive, and resistant cancer there is. Especially AML. Not to mention I am in the high risk category. When I do things I sure do them all the way! So he quite frankly wasn't surprised by it coming back. He said my bone marrow has been sitting there empty for 2 months now so the leukemia had an easy job of moving back in. He believes that if my own bone marrow would have been able to recover, or if I had grafted then my cells would have crowded out the leukemia and probably killed it. Because of that he thinks that me grafting as soon as possible is the most important thing right now. The plan is to give me enough chemo to supress the leukemia so it doesn't interfere with the graft. But he doesn't want to give me too much chemo and damage my organs. He says my body has been through enough and he wants to try to go easy on it. The major change in this transplant is that usually they give you medicine to surpress the graft so that you graft slowly and reduce the risk of graft vs host. But they are not going to give those to me because they just want me to graft so desperately! If I get graft vs host then we will deal with it then. The one thing about graft vs host is that it is a good sign that the new cells are also killing the leukemia. So there is a silver lining.

After the appointment we picked up the boys from aunt Kierstens house. I think they like her house better than ours! They are always asking to sleep over there! Good job aunt Kiersten! Anyways, as we were loading the boys in the car Brayden gets a huge smile on his face and says to me "Mom, is your cancer all gone now?!" I wanted so badly to say YES!! But instead I explained that mommy still needs to get new bone marrow and the new bone marrow will kill the cancer. This poor child has been asking this question for 9 months now! I know that 9 months to a 4 year old is an eternity! I hope he doesn't give up on me.
So, to sum up, the plan is for me to start chemo this friday and get my transplant on the 26th. Most people start to graft on day 14 but my doctor told me not to be surprised if I do by day 8 or 9. I may have to be admitted on Wednesday depending on my labs that morning because my phosphorous and potasium levels were high today wich could be a sign of the cancer cells braking down and releasing these into my blood stream. If the levels go up even more then I have to be admitted to get them flushed out of my system before we begin chemo. So tomorrow I am just going to enjoy my family, then begin gearing up for the battle.

Peace

I wanted to share with you the miracle that has happened the last two days. When the doctors told me that my Leukemia had returned, I was terrified. Marc and my mom were with me and the news hit us all like a ton of bricks. After the doctors left and we were packing up my room for me to go home we were all pretty silent. By the time we left the hospital something amazing had happened. We felt peace. Not the peace of someone naively believing that everything will be ok. We know the seriousness of my situation and we are terrified. But we felt peace that only our Heavenly Father can give us. Shortly after Marc and I began discussing how peacful we felt we began recieving phone calls from family members. One after the other they spoke of a frantic prayer said, and immediate peace. Thankfully it has stayed with us which has enabled me to enjoy my time with family. At first I was nervous that I would loose it infront of the kids and scare them. But I haven't even come close. I know that the road ahead will be extremely difficult, and probably quite long. But I know that I am being held in the arms of my savior. He knows that past, present and future. His plan for me is perfect. I am going to fight my hardest and I know that he will make up the difference.