Panic Attack

I am the only person who has mistaken a panic attack for a pulmonary embolism and ruined her sisters birthday? I think so!!!! Let me explain....  So I have a large blood clot in my sub clavian vein (right by my heart) so the doctor has put me on a high dose of blood thinners. On Saturday I went to the movie with my two sisters and mom to celebrate my sisters birthday. During the movie I suddenly felt like my body was on fire and I was having a hard time breathing. I hurry and stood up and signaled for my mom to follow me out. When we got out side my symptoms began to subside but my mom said I was white as a ghost and clammy. I called the on call oncologist and after hearing my symptoms and looking at my chart he said that he thinks it was just a panic attack and that looking at everything I'm going through he's not surprised! He then told me to take an adivan and go to bed! The experience really scared me. I have to say that while sitting in that theater I really thought I was going to die. The first thought that I had was "I can't die in a movie theater! I want to be home with my family!!"  I am SO glad that it was just a panic attack. I liked to think that after months of facing the possibility of death that I have come to accept it. But after that experience I realized that not only have I not accepted it, but I don't know if I ever can. I just can't image a future that doesn't involve me raising my kids and growing old with my sweetheart. Life really is precious and I pray every night that God will bless me with the opportunity to raise my family, and hopefully help others in my situation.
-and again LeAnn, I'm sorry I ruined your birthday!

Fundraiser

We will be holding a fundraiser for Janette and Marc and The Boys on Friday, May 4th from 5pm to 8pm at Box Elder High School. We will have food, carnival for kids, a silent auction, a raffle and entertainment. It is going to be a great night. We are taking donations for this fundraiser until May 2nd. We have plenty of room for people to set up booths to sale their product. We can't wait to see you all there! Details of who to contact are at the bottom.

Thanks so much!

For donations or questions you can email

Brandie- brandiepagedesign@gmail.com

Kiersten- kiersten@riverbendmedia.com

LeAnn- anahera78@hotmail.com

Bone Marrow Transplant

Well, it's been a long time since I've done an update. Life has been crazy! We have settled in Utah and I've just finished my third consolodation. I had a doctors appointment today and they told me that they have found a perfect match for my bone marrow transplant! apparently it's really hard to find a perfect match. I am very blessed to have one. A transplant is my best chance for long term survival. Transplant requires a 30 day hospital stay, then I have to be within 30 min of The Huntsman Institute for 70 days in case I get an infection. I will be on immuno suppresants to help my body accept my new immune system, so if I get an infection it can become life threatening within just 2 hours. Full recovery takes about 1 year. I am very scared about going through all this, and I don't know how I will be away from my family for 30 days, but I know I have to do it. I heard a quote that said "you don't know how strong you are until you don't have a choice". That is very accurate!
So, it takes about 5-6 weeks to prepare for a transplant. In the mean time, my doctor thinks I might have a blood clot in my right shoulder where my central line is. So I will be going in to get my line pulled in the next day or two then I will probably have to have blood thinning shots every day for a while. The worst part is that they will have to put a new line in my left shoulder for transplant. I remember getting my first line in, it hurt for about 4 weeks! I am not looking forward to the new line! My doctor also might want to do another round of chemo next week just to make sure I don't come out of remission before transplant. When he told me this, despite my best efforts, I broke into tears! I really don't know if I can handle more chemo! My body and my phyche have had enough!! It's such a hard decision though. If I don't do it and I come out of remission then they might not be able to get me back into remission. Is it worth the risk to not do it? I really hate these decisions. I really wish someone would trade me places for just a few weeks and make all the hard decisions for me!
On a positive note, my amazing friends and family are putting on a fundraiser for me on May 4th. We are having a carnival for the kids, and entertainment and a silent auction for the adults. I'm very excited to go with my family and see everyone there. I really hope I'm not in the hospital on that day. All this talk of more chemo really throws a wrench in my planning!
Marc is staying stong, but stressed! He is getting ready to graduate from pharmacy school, take the exams, and find a job. He is such a support to me though. He is always there by my side telling me how much he loves me. Sometimes I'm afraid he wishes he would have married someone who could be healthy for him and his kids. I feel like such a burden. But I think he read my thoughts! He let me know that he would support me even if it meant getting chemo for the rest of my life, and he wouldn't want to be with anyone else. He's so intuitive ;)
My boys are handling everything pretty good. Conner is really frustrated that the doctors don't know what caused my cancer. He is all set to go to medical school and figure it out himself! Both boys keep telling me they don't want me to go to the hospital anymore. It breaks my heart because I know what is in store. I wish they could understand that I'm doing this for them, and that being away from them breaks my heart every second that I'm away from them. One day I hope they'll know just how much I love them.

Merry Christmas

Well, It doesn't feel like christmas, but it is! The hospital is pretty empty tonight! But my boys will be here to visit me soon, and my dad flew in, and of course I always have my amazing Marc! So I am blessed! I figure I can sacrifice one christmas so that I can have 40 to come, right? I did get some good news, apparently leukemia can hide out in your spinal fluid sometimes, so they removed some of my fluid and replaced it with chemo (I do not reccomend this procedure!) But my spinal fluid came back clear! So there is another amazing blessing! Everything keeps going smoothly and I couldn't ask for more! I hope everyone has an amazing christmas and I miss you all!

Well, I am home! It is amazing to be with family, my own bed, my own schedule, it's great! HOWEVER, I don't feel like ME. This doesn't really feel like my house and I'm feeling very lost inside. My sweet family has been there with me through the panick attacks, melt downs and complete fatigue! I keep wondering when I'll feel like me again, and sadly from what I've heard, it may take months. To all my friends, don't give up on me, I'm still in here somewhere! :)

Music

I love music! It is saving me right now! It can make you calm, make you excited and make you feel emotion! For a caged bird, it's a lifesaver! Here is my basic day:
Wake up
Eat breakfast
Shower
Take a nap
Order lunch while listening to music
Eat lunch
Go for a walk
Take a nap
Order dinner while listening to music
Eat dinner
Visit with family
Take a nap
Listen to music
Go to bed

Isn't that exciting?? :( see music saves me! I hope people in prison get music....

The plan

Well, as many of you heard, my bone marrow biopsy came back that my leukemia is in remission! I am so grateful for all your prayers! I think if I had to stay another month here and do that all over again, I just might lose it! So now we are just waiting for my immunity to hit 1000 (it hasn't left 0 :( The doctors predict I can go home sometime at the end of next week! Then I will stay home for a week, do another bone marrow test just to be sure, then I have to come back for a 6 day stay of follow up chemo. I will be doing follow up chemo once a month for about 3-4 months. At that point they still may do a bone marrow transplant just to be safe. I hope we don't have to do that though! So that's the plan. I can't wait to get home and be a mom again! I miss my family SO much!